Transformers 2

A lot of people seemed to love Transformers 2. Them folks in the 5th dimension label those people as retards. A lot of critics gave Transformers 2 bad to shit reviews, but I decided to watch it anyway. Fucking hell. Why do I torture myself like this?

Michael Bay is the worst of the worst. Steven Spielberg knew this during the first movie and he kept Bay on a leash. However, for the second outing, Spielberg thought that maybe we ought to give more freedom to this guy. Spielberg deserves a jab to the balls. Bay is like an over-caffeinated teen on a sugar rush not knowing when to stop and how to control. His persona is transferred to the actors as they to seem to be hyper spanked space monkeys; spewing their lines with guy abandon at full volume. The 360 degree camera turns and slow motion views seem to be the only directing tricks he knows with the movie filled to the brink with them shebangs. If the slow motion moments were placed correctly in the movie, that would be a plus but instead the opposite happens because of Bay's undisciplined stance on directing.

The script is, how can I put this in a lighter tone, fucking ball crap. Degenerate dialogue planned out across the limits of sound. "I love you but you say I love you first" crap that I can never tolerate. A movie without unforgettable characters is a must but not for the wrong reasons. The Twins. Fucking bull cunt. How the hell did they get more dialogue than Optimus Prime. When one of the Twins got swallowed by something resembling my dick I thought 'Its about fucking time' but wait; through the sheer shitz of it he survived by blasting his way out. Comedy is one of my fav genres, but the humour in T2 is as low as low can go. Robots farting, Robot humping leg, Dog humping dog, Irritating Mom character, etc. Why not throw some tranny jokes while their at it. Oh wait. Megan Fox is somewhat a TRANNY. She is a hot human specimen and all but I still fear that she may be a MAN! To those that have already masturbated to her pictures, fake or real, it will be a sad day for you.The only thing Megan Fox does right in the movie is pose and pose she does in the most awkward poses of awkward poses. If Sharon Stone was bad in Basic Instinct 2 and Halle Berry worst in Catwoman, Fox is situated below demonstrating an incapable depth in character.

Her co-star Shia LeBouf also struggles to perform due to Bay's poor directing skills. Shia shows some promises but is still too much an amateur. The last part of the review is reserved for plotholes, the glorious stephold in a film. It is stated that only a prime can kill a prime as told by The Fallen but how did Megatron manage to kill Optimus unless Megatron is a Prime but when Optimus died, the Fallen replied that 'The last Prime is dead' contradicting to the fact that Megatron is a Prime. If Megatron was a Prime, then the Fallen would have killed Megatron. Therefore, how the fuck did Megatron kill Optimus if only a Prime can kill a Prime? If the Decepticons got the symbols from Sam early in the movie, why weren't they in Egypt already? How the fuck do you land an amphibious assault in the Pyramids area? Do good robots go to robot heaven with the Primes? Whats the Terminator from T3 doing here? And why the fuck is the fucking movie 2 and a half hours long? Questions such as this ravage my mind or in my own terms, rape my brain. The movie plays along the anti-Arab theme very strongly. Destroying the Pyramids and countless other Egyptian national treasures, the Jordanian military comes in only to be shot down immediately. Maybe they did it for the lulz.

Whats the score Almighty Haikal? I give this shitpile a 1/10. (However, I would increase the score a little if provided a bit of *cough green *cough)

Negatives: Long, Horrible script, Over-Caffeinated acting, Bad bad bad directing, Distasteful humour, Retarded characters, Plotholes O Plenty, Grotesque plot, Too many unnecessary characters

Positives: CGI is good I guess, what else, what else...

Lets pray for a change in directors for the next Transformers. Ridley Scott perhaps? Or James Cameron?