Snatch (2000)

If your looking for a superbly enjoyable film, Snatch is that film with great performances from an all-star cast filed with a brilliant plot and script coupled with wicked Brit humour. Snatch is one of those films that will remain unforgettable (especially the characters) even after the years flow by. The film basically has different types of characters leading different goals in life but ultimately meet at the end over the films main tie-in, a diamond and a boxing match. The plot in more detail goes as such; Franky Four Fingers (Benicio Del Toro;left) scores off a Grade A diamond for boss Cousin Avi (Dennis Farina; right).



However, Boris the Blade (Rade Serbedzija; left) heard of the diamond and wants it for himself. So, he hires the Three Stooges; Sol (Lennie James), Vinnie (Robbie Gee) and Tyrone (Ade) to rob Brick Top's gambling pool to take the betting money and in the process get the diamond.

Turkish (Jason Statham) and Tommy (Stephen Graham) are in the boxing business and have Gorgeous George as their boxer. However, in an eventual meet, they lose their prize boxer to a pikey by the name of Mickey (Brad Pitt). In the video below, you might check on the interaction at present between Tommy and George with Mickey when buying a trailer from Mickey.

Mickey is presented with a thick accent intact courtesy of Brad Pitt. Scene goes down as Mickey sells Tommy a trailer without wheels (cause pikeys are generally tricky bastards) and so Gorgeous George, Turkish's boxer gets agitated and fights off with Mickey. Turns out, Mickey's a bare-knuckles champion making him as 'hard as a coffin'. With a match coming up, Turkish needed a fighter. Who else but Mickey. Brick Top however being the organiser of this illegal fight decides that Turkish owes him for the last minute change and now Mickey has to go down on the fourth round. Well, viewing the next video, you'll soon see why the group find themselves in a load of shit.

Brick Top (Alan Ford) below is the sort of individual that 'don't take no fucking shit from fucking anybody'. If he wants it, you better give it to him. And if you don't, you get whats coming for you. If you met face up with Brick Top, you will shit your pants.


What happens next is that Brick Top knows about the Three Stooges who hexed a botched robbery on his gambling spot and heads off to their headquarters. See video below for an overly stimulating metaphor of 'as greedy as a pig'.

Seems that Brick Top's got caught up in the search for the diamond and does it get any better than this? FUCK YEAH! In the form of Bullet Tooth Tony (Vinnie Jones), the badass motherfucker in the film. Tony is employed by Avi to help find who has the diamond. He gets the name from being shot in the face 6 times and still standing (literally). View him in his splendid glory in the video below about balls and such. Favourite scene in the movie.

And so, as you can tell, the plot's one brilliantly constructed web connecting all the characters together to pump it out. That's what Snatch is about. The lively characters that inhabit the set piece of Britain's underworld gang top engaging in an endavour of dialogues, witty lines and everything. What makes it worthwhile is watching the story unfold upon itself and the situations that are thrown into the frame. A very funny film nonetheless. FUCKING WATCH IT.

Zombieland (Preview)

Directed by: Ruben Fleischer

Written by: Paul Wenrick and Rhette Resse

Starring: Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg and Emma Stone with a cameo by Bill Murray

Release Date: October 9 2009

Why you should watch this movie:

1. Who doesn't love zombies?
2. Love Shaun of the Dead = Love this movie
3. Woody Harrelson in a zombie film!
4. Bill Murray as the undead (ironic being he was a Ghostbuster)
5. ZOMBIES!

You can never have too many zombie apocalypse movies. NEVER! Story's about hunting zombies in the apocalyptic setting of zombies plus comedic effect. Also some form of bonding (so-called) relationship among the survivors. And the zombies in this movie don't fuck around. Fuck no. If they wanna eat you, they fucking run after you! Kid zombies! LOL!

Woody Harrelson a.k.a Tallahasse 'ZOMBIE FUCKER!'

Inglourious Basterds (Preview)

Directed by: Quentin Tarantino

Written by: Quentin Tarantino

Starring: Brad Pitt, Christopher Waltz, Mike Myers, Diane Kruger, Eli Roth, BJ Novak and Maggie Cheung

Narrated by: Samuel L. Jackson

Release Date: 21st August 2009

Why you should watch this movie:

1. Its fucking Quentin Tarantino!
2. Script has been in development for 10 years
3. Described as the next masterpiece after Pulp Fiction
4. Christopher Waltz won Best Actor at Cannes
5. Its FUCKING Quentin Tarantino

The movie is divided into two parts; one where a group of ragtag soldiers nicknamed 'The Basterds' led by Lt. Aldo Raines engage upon a mission to assassinate Hitler and another story where an orphaned French Jew finds her whole family murdered by Nazi's and so engages in her own revenge plan to kill those responsible. One thing thats certain in this film is that a lot of Nazi's are gonna die. Nazi's are evil motherfuckers but can be fucking awesome when they need to be. Check out the photo below. (Pic from Dead Snow)

So brutal

Catch Inglourious Basterds 21st August if your American but if your Malaysian like I am, I have no fucking clue whens it coming out. Probably censored. Fucking anal retarded censorship board. Faggots.

The Hangover

I was supposed to do a piece on Guy Ritchie's Snatch but since I just watched the Hangover yesterday, I controduced myself to do a review on this movie instead. Smart, funny and meaningful, The Hangover is one of those go to Vegas films that end all wrong with the group propelled into horrendous situations. Featuring the talents of Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifanakiss as Phil, Stu and Alan take soon to be married Doug (Justin Bartha) for a bachelor party in Las Vegas. However, as all would become they wake up after a hard night and find Doug missing, a tiger in the bathroom and a baby in the closet. And so the trio head out to uncover what the fuck happened the night before.

(From left: Alan, Phil and Stu)

Director Todd Philips who has covered works such as Road Trip and Old School (fucking watch it) constructs an unforgettable story and creating a sense that this could be your reality. The real fun is not watching how the trio get into trouble but how trouble gets to them. Its hilarious to watch different types of situations get thrown at them and watching how they react to it. Situations range from a marriage to a stripper, Mike Tyson, Chinese gangsters and stolen police cars (savour the taser scene). The film also deals with the bonds between friends and how one trip can change the lives of Phil (who was bored of marriage), Stu (stuck with a bitchy as fuck girlfriend), Alan (its complicated) and Doug. The plot was marvelous and literally sucked me in.


Heather Graham makes an appearance as a stripper but only gets a few minutes of the camera which was a shame since I kind of liked her character. The flaw in the movie is character development. The team behind the movie were so concentrated on the plot and the set that they almost forgot about the characters. The personality of the trio were never fully utilised and I felt that it was at times unconvincing. Interestingly, the funny lines and scenes were shared equally by all three of the actors with each having a memorable scene in the film. Even if there was a scene where one of the trio got the attention, the others were there to support him thus making the scene funnier. All three of them were always together in every scene perpetuating a bond in between them. Watch for Mr. Chow's ultimate scene of getting out of the trunk naked (full frontal; its okay to get grossed out and laugh at the same time) hitting everyone with a crowbar while speaking the immortal line, 'You wanna fuck on me?'


I give The Hangov er a 7/10.

Favourite quotes:

Stu: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu: You found a baby? Where?
Alan: Coffee Bean

Alan: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.

Alan: It's not illegal, its frowned upon...like masturbating on an airplane.

Black Doug: Hey man, I can be your Doug.

Stu: She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
Alan: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

To start off, I really enjoyed this new Potter flick. A surprise in fact. Normally I would scoff at this kind of films but it did manage to pull me in albeit a few flaws. As the image would suggest above, Harry and his friends have grown and the film never relents to explore it. The film reeked of teen romance. Which is kind of a FUCKING problem with me.

The movie picks up after the fifth which picked up from the fourth which picked up from the third which sdkjbnsdkvjbfsd. Plot in basic sense. Voldermort getting more powerful. Harry and gang growing older. Romance. Draco becoming more emo. Romance. Half Blood Prince mystery. Bromance. Destroy Voldermort's lifeline stuff. Orgy. The romance was used as a side platter to fill in more time into the movie. And fill in it does with tons of sexcapades. However, I will note that it was kind of funny (some) but that does not mean I like romantic comedies (which I relate as anal retentive). Don't forget to catch the orgy after the credits. Great fun, that.

You may be one of them Potter fans that will point out the differences between the book and movie but you have to understand. The book sucked. You know it, I know it, so watch the fucking movie. David Yates creates his own direction into the plot forgoing most of the happenings present in the book. I quit after the fifth book. J.K. Rowling can get disemboweled for all I care.

As you might probably find out from Urkel, the movie is darker with a sense of druid clouding behind the meta frame. Dark, whimper, whimper. Hopelessness. Slytherin would be the epitome of goth and emo. It would be EMOTH!


The dark feel of the movie was brighten by the clever humour and the brilliant performances by the cast. Radcliffe and gang felt more comfortable doing their thing along with Rickman's one liners. Look out for stand out performances by Frank Dillane (left) as the teenager Voldermort and Jim Broadbent (right) as Horace Slughorn.

Frank Dillane provides a chilling performance as a young sadistic Voldermort and plays the role in overdrive, being quite natural in his role. Jim Broadbent who I recently saw in Hot Fuzz plays a character that prefers to surround himself with the life of other aspiring young leaders presenting an open attitude with a flair of clumsiness in his nature while also harbouring guilt about his past with Voldermort. Favourite scene would be when Horace talks about the gift he received from Harry's mom. Loved it.

As for the visual effects, they were stunning and beautiful especially the scene when Gandalf, I mean Merlin, I mean Dumbledore pwned the little undead fuckers with a little flamethrower spell. Also worth mentioning whould be the Quidditch play-off which were great proving Yates worth. Actual footage of the Quidditch game from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince below.

To end this review, I would give Harry Potter a 7.5/10. Still better is Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Basilisks rulez!

Positives: Superb acting, Plot's okay, David Yate's directing, Visual effects

Negatives: Too much teen romance, No nudity (Emma Watson), No profanity

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

If your about to die and have one film to pick before death molests you with his icy hand, that movie will be Reservoir Dogs. The masterpiece by directing maestro Quentin Tarantino, Reservoir Dogs is the greatest of the greatest according to me. And according to me, you will fucking watch the movie!



Five professional robbers, Mr. White, Mr. Blonde, Mr. Pink, Mr. Orange, Mr. Blue and Mr. Brown along with criminal mastermind Joe Cabot and son "Nice Guy" Eddie attempt a jewelry heist. The cast is introduced in one of the coolest openings ever walking in slow motion to George Baker's Little Green Bag (view video above). The movie starts off with the cast moving in towards the jewelry heist but soon cuts off to what happened after the heist with a bleeding Mr. Orange. The plot then flows into a new level with the audience guessing what went wrong during the heist and the inclusion of a traitor among the mix. During the film, the plot goes back to the past way before the heist to build up Mr. White's, Mr. Blonde's and Mr. Orange's backstory and relationship with Joe Cabot.

Mr. Blonde (to the left) is hands down one of the coolest badass psychotic motherfuckers to ever appear in a film. Michael Madsen plays it like an ace, projecting a character with a cool demeanour on the outside hiding an out of control monster on the inside. You can't help but love what he does. Favourite Mr. Blonde quotes:

'Listen kid, I'm not gonna bullshit you, all right? I don't give a good fuck what you know, or don't know, but I'm gonna torture you anyway, regardless. Not to get information. It's amusing, to me, to torture a cop. You can say anything you want cause I've heard it all before. All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain't gonna get.'

Fucking hell, thats some fucking cold shit. Witness his eternal glory in the form of a video! Nothing gets better than this shit. Note: Steeler Wheeler's Stuck in the Middle of You plays in the background.



Inspired by Sergio Leone (The Good, The Bad and The Ugly), Quentin Tarantino has a hand in controlling the camera. The camera work in Reservoir Dogs is fine stuff (better than Micahel Mann's anyway) giving the actors space to give their best and ensuring that the camera angles compliment the flow of the film.

This would be the trunk shot from the car created by Quentin Tarantino and first featured in Reservoir Dogs. In this pic, Mr. Blonde is showing to Mr. White (second from left) and Mr. Pink (first from left) the policeman he bagged for interrogation. If you have watched the previous video you might know what happened to the cop who suffered at the hands of Mr. Blonde.

Talking about the music score, Tarantino compiled songs mostly from the 70's and damn are they good. Joe Tex, Harry Knilson, Steeler Wheeler and George Baker decorate the films estutite violence. Quentin Tarantino has really good taste in music and one of the reasons he was chosen as a guest judge in American Idol. Sadly, a lot of people remember him only for that. Fuckers.

The only flaw in this movie is that it was too short. 99 minutes of absolute genius ending with a spectacular Mexican Standoff, a clear inspiration taken from the books of Sergio Leone. To end this recommendation post let me present to you one of the best scenes in the movie; The Commode Story with Mr. Orange. Spoiler may be present.



Songs to savour:

1. Joe Tex - I Gotcha
2. Steeler Wheeler - Stuck in the Middle of You
3. George Baker - Little Green Bag
4. Harry Knilson - Coconut

The next Quentin Tarantino movie to be recommended would be Pulp Fiction but before that prepare for a review on Harry Potter and the Half Blood Pince followed by a recommendation post of Guy Ritchie's Snatch

Transformers 2

A lot of people seemed to love Transformers 2. Them folks in the 5th dimension label those people as retards. A lot of critics gave Transformers 2 bad to shit reviews, but I decided to watch it anyway. Fucking hell. Why do I torture myself like this?

Michael Bay is the worst of the worst. Steven Spielberg knew this during the first movie and he kept Bay on a leash. However, for the second outing, Spielberg thought that maybe we ought to give more freedom to this guy. Spielberg deserves a jab to the balls. Bay is like an over-caffeinated teen on a sugar rush not knowing when to stop and how to control. His persona is transferred to the actors as they to seem to be hyper spanked space monkeys; spewing their lines with guy abandon at full volume. The 360 degree camera turns and slow motion views seem to be the only directing tricks he knows with the movie filled to the brink with them shebangs. If the slow motion moments were placed correctly in the movie, that would be a plus but instead the opposite happens because of Bay's undisciplined stance on directing.

The script is, how can I put this in a lighter tone, fucking ball crap. Degenerate dialogue planned out across the limits of sound. "I love you but you say I love you first" crap that I can never tolerate. A movie without unforgettable characters is a must but not for the wrong reasons. The Twins. Fucking bull cunt. How the hell did they get more dialogue than Optimus Prime. When one of the Twins got swallowed by something resembling my dick I thought 'Its about fucking time' but wait; through the sheer shitz of it he survived by blasting his way out. Comedy is one of my fav genres, but the humour in T2 is as low as low can go. Robots farting, Robot humping leg, Dog humping dog, Irritating Mom character, etc. Why not throw some tranny jokes while their at it. Oh wait. Megan Fox is somewhat a TRANNY. She is a hot human specimen and all but I still fear that she may be a MAN! To those that have already masturbated to her pictures, fake or real, it will be a sad day for you.The only thing Megan Fox does right in the movie is pose and pose she does in the most awkward poses of awkward poses. If Sharon Stone was bad in Basic Instinct 2 and Halle Berry worst in Catwoman, Fox is situated below demonstrating an incapable depth in character.

Her co-star Shia LeBouf also struggles to perform due to Bay's poor directing skills. Shia shows some promises but is still too much an amateur. The last part of the review is reserved for plotholes, the glorious stephold in a film. It is stated that only a prime can kill a prime as told by The Fallen but how did Megatron manage to kill Optimus unless Megatron is a Prime but when Optimus died, the Fallen replied that 'The last Prime is dead' contradicting to the fact that Megatron is a Prime. If Megatron was a Prime, then the Fallen would have killed Megatron. Therefore, how the fuck did Megatron kill Optimus if only a Prime can kill a Prime? If the Decepticons got the symbols from Sam early in the movie, why weren't they in Egypt already? How the fuck do you land an amphibious assault in the Pyramids area? Do good robots go to robot heaven with the Primes? Whats the Terminator from T3 doing here? And why the fuck is the fucking movie 2 and a half hours long? Questions such as this ravage my mind or in my own terms, rape my brain. The movie plays along the anti-Arab theme very strongly. Destroying the Pyramids and countless other Egyptian national treasures, the Jordanian military comes in only to be shot down immediately. Maybe they did it for the lulz.

Whats the score Almighty Haikal? I give this shitpile a 1/10. (However, I would increase the score a little if provided a bit of *cough green *cough)

Negatives: Long, Horrible script, Over-Caffeinated acting, Bad bad bad directing, Distasteful humour, Retarded characters, Plotholes O Plenty, Grotesque plot, Too many unnecessary characters

Positives: CGI is good I guess, what else, what else...

Lets pray for a change in directors for the next Transformers. Ridley Scott perhaps? Or James Cameron?

Introduction

This entire blog is dedicated to one thing and one thing only; MOVIES! If your a movie fan, your welcomed to browse along the site but if your not, you better fuck off.

For the duration of the blog, I will recommend great films to watch (from every movie period) and in the meantime provide reviews on movies I have recently watched. Please note that I will provide a very in depth analysis on films and most importantly whatever I say is right. Thats the deal motherfuckers, theres no use arguing with me. This is my blog and I say what I want to fucking say. If you feel the need to argue with my thoughts, be free to comment. I dare you. I know people, scary people. One call to the North Pole and Santa's gonna come down your chimney to rape your ass.

I would say that's one bloody good intro if I should say so myself. Brilliant.